I was on my way back from Millersville. I had to fuel up (went to the beer store) and when I was crossing Duke street heading home, low and behold there was an unopened half case of beer along side the road. Holy shit! I slowed down, to jump out and grab it (as any soon-t0-be-hero would), when I saw that it was Bud Light. Sorry, but I'm not bringing that shit home or anywhere; free as it may be. I quickly sped away in the Dodge van.

Go ahead, it's yours...it's probably still there.

Ahhh...today was the first day for me on the set for the filming of an independent film. Yes, I know...everyone is talking about it...yes I know...I was there.

With out knowing it, I had apparently scored the lead role. We got the news yesterday afternoon. Damn right I was nervous. The director gave me the news, and my stomach went to knots. Straight to Knottsville Nelssesee. I was a mess. I immediately started practicing my lines and went on a diet. With only twenty four hours to go until filming, I had a lot of work to do and weight to lose.

The director knew that I was a method actor, and had no problem putting the reigns into my hands. I mean, I'm a concrete worker for crying out loud...who would think for one minute that I could not handle acting as the lead man in a romantic comedy drama thriller.

No, but seriously I was nervous. With every sit-up and push-up I did between running and quitting smoking, I wondered: Can I do this? Am I the right man for the job? Can I act like anything other than a complete moron? The answer was...yes.

For the rest of the day and night I trained and practiced. I rolled the script in my hand and smashed beer cans with it...while yelling loudly. My family knew to let me alone, for they had all seen me in training before; it's not pretty. Actually it's quite ugly. When I train, I lose all senses and this machine becomes inapproachable.

That fact alone had me feeling some guilt, and the slight guilt shed some light onto the fact that: I don't have the time or energy or need to be playing the lead in some independent film. No. This is not the right time. I'm already caught up in some pipe dream of writing a stupid book that no one will ever read. Acting? Lead? C'mon dude...get a grip.

I started writing the director a very heart felt/remorseful text message about my already struggling schedule and responsibilities. I knew that this was going to break his heart, because he had his vision set with me as the lead. 'Dudes feelings are about to be crushed...

Suddenly, my phone rang. It was the director. That's it. I will tell him over the phone and let him down easy. Hell, if he needs me to I'll drive over to the set and we can talk about it face to face; just so he may not feel so much pain and hopefully he'll get where I'm coming from.

I started to tell him:

"Hey, listen man...I really appreciated the opportunity and all, but... I'd really be kidding myself and leading you along to think that I'm going to have time for any involvement in this movie for other than something minimal...I mean...I'm just not sure I will be able to play the lead-...and I'm really sorr-"

He cut me off with laughter.

"Oh...NO!....(laughter continues) No, Matt...we have REAL actors to play all the parts in the film...for tomorrow we just need some faces for some promotional shots...to help get some momentum going. (I hear him tell the others around him about me thinking I was going to be the lead, and hear raging laughter in the background) hahahahahahahah...."

I laughed also, but not with the same demeanor.

"Ok, cool. That's cool, because I wasn't sure earlier when you said that...."

He cut me off quickly to get back to his (now) mocking conversation at the bar and said he'd see me in the morning.

After my family festivities last night, I ended up drinking way way too much alcohol. Maybe I was trying to drown my feelings about losing the lead...maybe I was just letting them go down too easy on a Friday evening...whatever the reason, I did it. And, MAN was I hurting today at the photo shoot. I almost puked on my fellow 'actors' and on set props. It was that bad that I actually tried to cut the pain with a few beers- total loser move. The extra alcohol helped for a bit and then came around to bite me in the ass. I left the set early in a hissy. I was half drunk AND lost the phaux lead to Josh Eves.

Who is Josh Eves? Well he's obviously more handsome than me...he's taller, more clean cut and doesn't have gray hair in his beard. He doesn't have a beard. He's an asshole and he's the phaux lead. There you go.